Paul attaches two conditions to living at peace with everyone, and both are a relief. If it is possible. On your part. He knows some peace is not possible yet, and he knows only half of any relationship is yours.
Picture Thanksgiving. Your brother has made a cutting remark about your marriage every year since the divorce. You have tried laughing it off and you have tried a long talk in the driveway. Nothing changed him. Part of you wonders if being a Christian means you have failed until the two of you are close.
Read the verse where it sits. Romans 12 is a run of short commands for life together, after Paul has spent eleven chapters on what God has done. Around this verse he says to bless those who persecute you, to refuse to repay evil for evil, and to leave vengeance to God. Then he says that if your enemy is hungry, you should feed him. Paul is not imagining a world where everyone likes you. He is writing to people with real enemies, some of them in their own households, and telling them what their side should look like.
So the question is narrower than whether the relationship is fixed. The question is whether your part is clean. Have you answered the jab with a jab of your own? Have you told the story to your cousins in a way that makes you the only reasonable person in it? Those things are yours to stop.
What is not yours is his response. You can be kind and honest and still have a brother who will not let up. Paul’s if is not a loophole for giving up early, but it does release you from managing another adult’s heart.
Before the next family gathering, write down the one thing you tend to do in return when he provokes you. Maybe it is the sarcastic reply, maybe the silent drive home. Decide now that you will not do that one thing this time. Then let the rest of the evening be what it is.
